Songs Of the Moment:

1. Craving - O-Town

2. Heart Without A Home - Nick Carter

3. Lose Yourself - Eminem

4. Suddenly - O-Town

i like to talk. you get to listen! YAY!  


Home Quotes Archives Contact

Tuesday, November 26, 2002 :::
 
Ever have one of those really sucky, crappy, makes-you-wanna-curl-up-and-die days? The kind of day where nothing is really going THAT wrong (as in, it could be much worse - i.e. it could have rained today) BUT you still feel absolutely horrible? Yeah...I'm having one of those days right now. And it sucks. I'm not a person who gets depressed very easily. Why? Cause I find people who pity themselves to sometimes be highly annoying. Sorry, but man...it's true lmfao I mean, yeah everyone has a right to be depressed but some people take it too far without having a real reason to. But that's another story for another day. Right now, I'm in need of a temporary lack of sanity. Yes, that's right, I'm going to go ahead, annoy myself, and have a nice, purging self-pity fest! Fun!
So...I don't consider myself a needy person (as you've probably seen in my top ten list a few posts ago, those kinda people are pretty darn high on my People Who Annoy Me List too.) But by gosh, I'm afraid I'm starting to become one. And that scares the HELL outta me. I'm a very independent person. I do not like the thought of me actually having to depend on other people for my happiness. But lordy...I'm starting to think I do. Cause right now...I'm feeling kinda worthless. I have no idea who I am and that's just...not a good thing. Where do I belong? I have friends. Not a lot but that's okay. There are a total of three, yes THREE, that I can safely say that I trust fully. There is only one that I can say that I would trust with my life, and I have for the past 5 years. I tell her everything and I know I can count on her. I think it's safe to say that she's the reason I've made it this far in high school. When everything and everyone was changing, she's the person who stayed the same. You know how they say you don't realize how much you need something until it's gone? Yeah, that's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Lately, it seems like said friend has not had much time for me lately. Or that she doesn't really care all that much about me anymore, and would prefer spending time with other people. (God, this is starting to sound like a freaking RELATIONSHIP lmao) In any case...I didn't think I depended on her so much but dammit, I do. And I didn't want to say it but it hurts knowing that I need her more than she needs me. Who am I supposed to turn to if she, my rock, doesn't have time for me anymore? Sure, I could turn to Friends 2 and 3 but it won't come close to being a little bit the same. She was like my other half. *sigh*
Next on my journey through self-pity is school and other related matters. So much is piling on right now and I don't know what to do with myself. How am I supposed to tackle all of this? I can't. It's just not physically possible. I'm so ambitious that sometimes, I don't think it's good for me. I want to go to a university in the states - but living in Canada, it's going to be so hard to get into a competitive school. Studying for the SATs is taking up so much of my life already. Then I took a look at some of the university applications...and I started thinking that maybe I'm being incredibly naive. Seriously, who do I think I am? I'm a great student - but hardly the best. I can't compete with millions of other teenagers who probably are the best and also have American citizenship on their side. My SAT scores aren't high enough. I can't answer the application questions. I don't have enough extracurriculars. What am I doing?! I don't have money growing from trees in my backyard so why am I bothering to pay hundreds of dollars to take the SATs and apply to a US university when my actual chances of getting in are likely to be less than 5% (and that ain't no exaggeration either.) Why am I still trying?!
I want to be a journalist. But damn, I'm not good enough to be one of those. I'm not that girl at my school whose writing everybody raves about. When people think of a good writer, they don't think of me. My friends don't, my teachers don't, the mice that live in the school don't. And that my friends, does nothing for a girl with high hopes.
And it does even more nothing for a girl who feels like she's not good enough for anything. Yeah, I'm a great, well-rounded person. But you need to be the best to succeed. Good at a lot of things don't get you a job, unless you want to be a $7/hour gofer. If writing is my strength and that's taken away from me, what do I have? I don't even LOOK GOOD so I can't become some retard's housewife! Gosh, you'd think the Man above would have cut me some slack and at least made me pretty but nooo He's too busy laughing his butt off.
So I've now officially wasted half an hour of precious study time ranting and I believe it's time to go. But trust me, people - it ain't over till the fat lady sings. Or something.


Right Now I'm...
Listening to: the voices inside my head lmao
Feeling: like I want to sleep for days and wake up when I'm 25 so that all this will be behind me.

::: posted by Jen at 9:55 PM


Sunday, November 24, 2002 :::
 
Your Room
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Window: Your Attitude
Your choice of the blue sky reveals a person who is very much a cheery optimist. You regularly exhibit "soft, airy, fluffy" behaviour, expressed as a magical metamorphism into weird and wonderful new shapes (as the wind blows). In all your endeavours you need room to breathe, frequently telling others to "Relax. Let's blue sky some ideas." As valiantly sunny as you are, you do have a darker side. You store up pain until you burst into tears while the heavens ring out with songs such as, "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head". Although your eye is fixed on the horizon, deep in your inner self you may have a secret wish to be a flight attendant, (coffee, tea or me) while watching blue movies and crying the blues with Ella Fitzgerald.
The Pictures: Your Relationships
Revealing an adventurous, possibly madcap person who scavenges friends and relations from the scrap-metal heap of life and then through superior insight helps them to realize their fine talents so they too may soar above the clouds in riveting pirouettes of grace and death-defying stunts.
The Garbage: Your Problems
Problems come and go in your life but they do not cause you undue stress. You relax in the knowledge that you have an enduring, attractive and stylish response to the detritus of life. Your supreme confidence frees you from convention. Problems need not be hidden from sight but rather are handled in a transparent, translucent and effortless manner. You are on your way to achieving guru status for your wise handling of life's problems.
The Clock: Your Future
Your future is that of a visionary, imagining scenarios for the next millennium. You may find yourself at home in an expansive industrial space,or marking time in a future warped out of a Douglas Coupland novel. Guard against your tendency for depression at your core. It is pronounced and evident to all. While this could cause consternation your off-beat sense of yourself redefines your concave, pillowy body as a life saving buoy fed solely on peanut butter thumbprint cookies. Your hands continually caress your external self causing others to accuse you of an inflated ego, but you know that time will pass and prove you to be right on.

Interesting....lol


Right Now I'm...
Listening to: Summertime - Aaron Carter ft. Baha Men (i swear i'm not a teeny, really.)
Feeling: like i wanna laugh out loud :)


::: posted by Jen at 9:59 PM




Powered by Blogger